c-L0 (cosmicspacespit) wrote,

in all seriousness

i have a bad problem, i've always been into self mutilation but over the past year i've managed to keep it under control because i had someone to help me get by, the past 2 days have been really bad for me and things seem to be getting worse. the person who used to help me has decided being out the the house with friends is more important than my problems. she really needs to think a little more about what love is. anyways, i have been left to my own devices, i've gone past cutting, i've started burning, scraping, sticking myself with safety pins etc etc, im basicly all by myself. people always offer to help but never go thru with it. in the past month i'vre had one aprox 1 visitor. things are getting out of hand and im so scared that i dont know what to do, i keep crying which makes me want to hurt myself more because i think about how im such a baby. if i cant get help im going to have myself committed. i'm losing my mind and i dont know what to do.
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i know what you mean. i used to burn myself with hot knives. i've bashed my head open with glasses, and slammed my head in doors...

i just find out now that it turns out i'm bipolar, and that's why.

i find that i get stuck in a loop, on this stuff, and that i can either be depressed, or be angry. they both suck, but are a change of pace. and, i can either hurt myself, or be violent towards others.

the crappy part is, there's no way to placate the feelings that plague you, since there is essentially nothing wrong. you're brain just has fucked up chemicals, which your logical rational brain cannot effect. it's a really hard situation, because you always feel like no one is helping you, but other people it's hard for, because they don't know how to help, and they don't know how you feel.

company is important. just having someone else around keeps you from getting into 'mantra mode' where you just think over and over 'i suck. i'm a failure. i suck. i'm no good to anyone. i hate myself for being like this.'

it's a hard thing to deal with on your own. i've basically driven my wife away to the point of seperation, because i can't control my actions when i get angry, and the rest of the time i spend in a depression, that i don't call depression, i call despair. the only thing i can suggest is trying to move closer to family. (i'm going to move in with the folks for a while) family is fucked, and causes a lot of your episodes, because they think they know you but they don't understand you.

add me on aim. notsleeping8l. i'm not in the house a huge amount, but even drop me an email jon@chuunk.com telling me what shit is going through your mind, because i know that for me, just having one dude that i know isn't like... hyperfocused on me, but still understands that i can rant at is really helpful.

for me, the first, best, immediate step to help my mind was to check out a couple books on bipolar disorder, so i at least got a handle on what i was dealing with. and, i dunno, i might sound like i'm too articulate or some shit to be going through what you are, but i'm just in that delacate place where i'm totally balanced. yesterday i wanted to kill myself. the same with the day before. it's like you're too depressed to kill yourself anyway, because you know it wouldn't help anything anyway. but yeah. lets be better online buddies. i could use someone to talk to too.